COMMITMENT

Commitment is a concept that many of us never fully understand.  To commit yourself completely to something or someone is one of the hardest tasks to complete.  Because its NOT easy.  It's NOT quick and it did I say it sure as hell is NOT EASY??   As a matter of fact, it's hard as hell.  It's slow as cold molasses and usually it hurts just as much as it gratifies.

I have the greatest ability to commit, recommit, over-commit, under-commit  and any other way you can describe the concept.  The problem is I give way to much to ungrateful ass people who either think I am unable to see the forest for the trees or maybe they are just so arrogant that they believe I am gullible as hell.  Whatever the issue, I can't blame them. It's all on me.  SOOOOOO.... people out in cyberspace, how do I fix me?  I change. sounds too simple I know, but that's all there is to it.

If I want different. I have to do different.  If I need something. I go get it.  I work towards it. 

Well cyberspace, I want different.  I am committing to MYSELF this time.  Screw all of the "nice guys',  the "good" men, the "friends in trouble" and  the "family members in a struggle".  Sounds pretty selfish, but for once in my life, I AM GOING TO BE SELFISH (if only for a little while).

Shutting down phone and some social media networking programs and focusing on introspective healing and loving me!  Maybe then I will choose better friends, better mates and make better decisions.  

THE HUSTLE, THE HEART, & THE HURT

Everyday I get up with a "to do" list as long as my leg and rarely are all of the tasks accomplished. Who knew at 41 years old, I'd STILL be operating in " helter skelter" mode!  Maybe THAT will be my "to do".....get a regular schedule and sit my ass down for a few hours to enjoy the benefits of having freedom and good health. 

I just can't seem to rest... there's so much to do... SO many women for me to encourage, kids for me to teach and fellow Veterans to help get back on their feet.  Am I really making a difference?  Does it any of this hustling REALLY matter in the long run?  Those two questions haunt me every morning when my feet hit the floor.  Truth is I will NEVER be satisfied, and THIS IS MY PROBLEM.

I'm still the same " I can save the world" little girl I was back when I sat on my granny's porch "shuckin'corn" and "shelling peas". Why the hell can't I let go of the notion that I really can save the world?   I have no clue, but as FRUSTRATING as it is, I'm addicted to helping people.  

How the hell can I cure this condition? I've set boundaries and crossed them.  Written people off and bailed them out of shortly afterwards. Disassociated myself from folks and secretly check on their kids to make sure they're not in need.  I need discipline to walk away from people and STAY AWAY!  

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? This save the world obsession takes my sleep and my social life. Heaven forbid I ever get a dang love life!  I have to do better! My life is passing me by while I am killing myself trying to help people with theirs.

Something has gotta CHANGE and FAST!  

MY LIFE COMMANDMENTS

Although I wrote this in 2011, I STILL find it helpful to me NOW!!  Especially since I seem to experience new adventures and/or struggles DAILY!  It is my hope that ONE day, I won't need to read these words to be reminders, but that I master the struggle against my own demons, fears and pain!

1. Always tell the ones you love that you love them…even if they get tired of hearing it! (If you don’t, you WILL regret it!).
2. Never allow your emotions cause you to lose focus.  Saying or doing something to hurt another may end up hurting yourself more than anyone else.
3. People MUST be accepted “AS IS”.
4. Be yourself.  If someone loves you, they WILL do #3.
5. If you put the needs of all before the needs of self, your needs (& wants) will be met.
6. Don’t live with regrets.  If (or when) you make a mistake, take the wisdom from that lesson and use it as knowledge to make better decisions the next time.
7. Treat all people with kindness and respect. The ones you need are usually the ones who expect nothing from you.
8. If you get a chance to right a wrong, do so.  If not, forgive yourself. If wrong was done to you, forgive the wrongdoer and leave the baggage from the pain in the past.
9. Be thankful for the time you are given and use it wisely.  Progressive thoughts and a positive, productive attitude will carry you through the times you find yourself stagnate.
10. Don’t give up on anything you believe in, dream of or desire to accomplish. Time is all you have in life, so until God says your time is up, IT’S NOT TOO LATE (for anything)!!
11. You can (and will) overcome anything and everything that stands in the way of your success or happiness IF you choose to win over those obstacles (situations, circumstances and/or people). 
12. Your greatest pleasure will be found in the joy of helping another, but you MUST be cognizant of those around you.  Sometimes your “help” MAY actually be hurting.  Be honest.  When you recognize when you are enabling someone, STOP.
13. TRUE Friends are priceless.  They will correct you, upset you and even hurt you, but they are always genuine.  They are loyal and always looking out for your best interest--even when you are in disagreement.
14. Your children are modified versions of yourself.  Be sure to raise them as “Improvements To” rather than “Carbon Copies Of” you.
15. To love someone (partner or spouse) requires you to look within to determine if you are ready, willing and WORTHY of their love in return.  Ask yourself…. Can I sacrifice my wants for their needs????  Be TRUTHFUL.  It’s the ONLY way to ensure your life is a dream realized rather than a lifetime nightmare.

LOVE

The word love is used too much.  I just don't get it!  You can't love someone in April and hate them in May and say you "really" loved them.  Maybe on TV, but sure as hell not in real life!    One incident may kill the relationship, but it doesn't turn off your feelings and if it does, there was nothing there to begin with! I wish someone could explain to me how people can get divorced and married again so quickly because it really baffles my mind!

I detest the word divorce because it represents failure to me.  Failing is something I don't believe in and when I decided to end my marriage ended after MANY years the hardest thing to handle for me was feeling like a failure to God, to my commitment, to my husband and to my children.  After 10 years and a FANTASTIC spiritual mentor, a LOT of prayer and HOURS of “couch time”, I still hate that word (divorce), but I no longer have the guilt and shame of feeling like I failed.   It took me nearly 15 years, but that experience taught me that “REAL” love requires the investment and commitment of BOTH people. (You woulda thought I knew that BEFORE the wedding, huh?)

ANYONE can find a mate when their cash is stacked, if they want to buy attention or affection because they sure as hell aren't buying love!!  I have watched so many of my male friends literally cash out to get a woman’s attention and end up alone when they fall on hard times.  Those “beautiful women” bail as soon as it’s time to put in work!  No doubt my female friends have done the same thing, but the difference is that they pay for that man so long they bamboozle themselves into thinking the dude has “grown to love them” and have babies for these rented men and get tied to them FOR LIFE! 

What happened to the days of going through stuff TOGETHER?? Having arguments and being mad, but the thought of leaving NEVER crosses your mind? Loving and sacrificing until it hurts? Remaining COMMITTED to that ONE person literally until you take your last breath?

 I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!! Maybe I was born in the wrong decade because THAT’S what I want!!  I don't want the “HAPPY DAYS” life without the “GOOD TIMES” struggle.  THIS time, when God blesses me to marry again it WILL be until I take my last breath!

SECOND CHANCES

I've eaten my share of crow. I can't count the times I've wanted to go back and do something over or get the forgiveness and another chance from someone I've hurt.  We've all done stupid stuff or screwed up in a relationship, but sometimes it’s best to just accept what is and move the hell on!

A mistake is one thing but a lie is a different story.   I will forgive anyone who does me wrong, but that is just it… I FORGIVE, I don't trust them ever again.   Nowhere in my universe are the words forgive and trust used interchangeably, so being cordial or even exchanging a laugh is NOT the damn yellow brick road to Oz!  There are no magic words that can be said to repair the void broken trust leaves with me.  So now, the word “friend” is something I rarely use!  I know thousands of people, but VERY FEW do I consider friends because to me a friend is someone you can really trust and they also trust you!

Unfortunately for some, my thoughts are the same when it comes to the man in my life.  When I was about twenty or twenty-one, an older woman told me “If a man cheats on you, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.  Cheating for a man has nothing to do with love.  Some men cheat just because they can.  Some cheat because they like the attention.  Some cheat because they are miserable at home, but I don't know any man that cheated only because he didn't love the woman he had at home.  They don’t think that deep into stuff.”   Her words resonated with me from that moment. For that reason, unlike most women, I will forgive a cheater quicker than a liar. The issue for me is not the physical act, but the reason behind it. 

When a man gets caught and tells lie after lie to try to make things right, will let him lie and think he’s gotten away with his creative story. ONLY because I'm pissed that he’s insulted my intelligence and hurt that he didn't care enough about me to be honest or trust me enough to know I could forgive a mistake.  Like every other woman on Earth, I’ve fallen for the crying and “baby I'm sorry” like every other woman, but not because I believe he had changed, but because I didn't want to change.  The fear of starting over with someone else just wasn't worth the headache.      

I learned a LONG time ago, not to speak when I’m really upset or angry.  I have eaten too many of my own words and I REALLY don't like the taste of crow, besides there are no words to make it right after the trust is broken.   I don't believe people change after they mess up.  People change when they WANT to change.  They change when they want something different.  Some people DON'T change.  If I don't SEE the change BEFORE someone tells me they're different, they may as well save their breath, because I won’t believe it!  Crying the Nile does nothing.  The “take me back because I’ve changed speech” does not work.   Buying cars, jewelry, flowers and clothes won't convince me either. 

A changed person is a new person that has accepted their mistakes and vows to not make the same ones again.   I will be cordial to them, but I still would not place my trust in them again.  Trusting that person with my feelings, secrets, fears and heart is a big risk. Maybe the fact that trust is the window to my soul is the reason I'm not willing to take a chance on them again.

DESTINY

Believe what you will, but things happen for a reason!  Meeting a random person is not a coincidence.  Finding a bargain is not luck. Like it or not, we are in control of absolutely nothing!  Everything is already planned!  The tricky thing is that we control how long it takes us to reach our destination! The problem is most times we don't have a clue where the hell we're going!  

If what you "want" disagrees with why you were created, you will have an internal conflict as long as you live!  My friends are probably sick of hearing me say this (but I will say it until my last breath)..."I'm the star in my own movie." Sounds arrogant and a little selfish, but that's the farthest thing from reality.  Truth is we need to know why we're here (on Earth) and believe it or not, our desires are immaterial! It doesn't matter if you dig ditches, drive buses or run a fortune 500 company, EVERYTHING you do touches the life of someone.  

When I came to the realization that my actions actually matter to someone other than me, it was a real gut check!  Not because I intentionally did anything to harm anyone, but because I didn't intentionally do anything to HELP anyone! From that day, (and yes I remember the day-October 12, 2008),  things that were once priority became unimportant! No more concerns about designer labels, passport stamps or even social status... Now don't get it twisted, I STILL like to travel and buy nice things, but they are no longer as important to me as trying to help another overcome an obstacle or hardship.  

All I can say is now... the change in my thoughts, actions and lifestyle has given me the best life!  You gotta selflessly bless another in order to be blessed. Sometimes what seems like sacrifice is actually sowing a good seed and TRUST me... IT COMES BACK TEN FOLD!!   

RESURRECTION

When I hear the word "resurrection" my thoughts normally surround the literal biblical reference, but truth is we all have experienced our own resurrection.  That's because life has a way of slowly killing our spirit.  We never notice we're dying until we've experienced our death and in some cases we've "died" and still don't have a clue!  If we don't have a meltdown beforehand, it will take those one or two REAL friends to give us that painful reality and even then we come up with excuses, point blame and downright deny what the rest of the world sees when when they look at us!

Those little character builder's or lessons learned or whatever you want to call them teach you two things, to be less like yourself and more of who everyone expects you to be.   I'm a smart ass who knows it all and of course I can see it happening to EVERYONE else, but somehow my mirror gave me the reflection of someone who had it all together! Talk about rose-colored glasses!! Hell I had my own pastel mirror and let me tell you ... that damn mirror is hard to walk away from!!  LOL


Every "situation" I found myself in chiseled away a little part of me.  Again, I'm a smart ass, so I THOUGHT once I got over a hurdle or fixed a problem, it was a done deal.  As long as no one could see what was really going on it was all good, right?  WRONG!  I'd been dying a slow death for nearly twenty years but "faking the funk" put me on the fast track to my death.  

I don't think there's one way for anyone to do anything, but what I KNOW is you have to pursue your passion, follow your instincts and do it YOUR WAY!  It may take you longer to reach your goals, but when you do things that FEEL right, you get your life back a little at a time!  I'm no where near where I want to be, but I'll get there. When I make it, there will be no regrets for me to look back on!  

The Vision

I am so fascinated with the constant learning that continues throughout my life.  As we change, we continuously cause those close to us to "re-learn" our behaviors and/or needs.  I personally will never understand how God created such complex creatures within such a short time frame!

Luckily, I am consistently growing in my faith walk and HIS vision for me is becoming clearer each day.  Ironically (and thankfully), HIS vision for my life is NOTHING like mine! His will is forcing me to go outside of my comfort zone and even into areas I thought were off-limits to a Type A woman like me!

The "Three H's" (hurt, hardship and heartbreak) are now behind me, but I am thankful for each of them... I see EVERYTHING in a different light now.  No more fast-paced, chaotic situations.  I enjoy every moment as if my last breath is coming within the hour.  Buying things mean nothing now. Creating happy memories and making others smile is what gets me up every day.

Helping another get through the H's is the reason he made me!  I learned my lessons, received my purpose and now I'm on a SERIOUS mission to fulfill my Life's work! Temporary situations are just that...TEMPORARY!  PRESS ON PEOPLE!