COMMITMENT

Commitment is a concept that many of us never fully understand.  To commit yourself completely to something or someone is one of the hardest tasks to complete.  Because its NOT easy.  It's NOT quick and it did I say it sure as hell is NOT EASY??   As a matter of fact, it's hard as hell.  It's slow as cold molasses and usually it hurts just as much as it gratifies.

I have the greatest ability to commit, recommit, over-commit, under-commit  and any other way you can describe the concept.  The problem is I give way to much to ungrateful ass people who either think I am unable to see the forest for the trees or maybe they are just so arrogant that they believe I am gullible as hell.  Whatever the issue, I can't blame them. It's all on me.  SOOOOOO.... people out in cyberspace, how do I fix me?  I change. sounds too simple I know, but that's all there is to it.

If I want different. I have to do different.  If I need something. I go get it.  I work towards it. 

Well cyberspace, I want different.  I am committing to MYSELF this time.  Screw all of the "nice guys',  the "good" men, the "friends in trouble" and  the "family members in a struggle".  Sounds pretty selfish, but for once in my life, I AM GOING TO BE SELFISH (if only for a little while).

Shutting down phone and some social media networking programs and focusing on introspective healing and loving me!  Maybe then I will choose better friends, better mates and make better decisions.  

THE HUSTLE, THE HEART, & THE HURT

Everyday I get up with a "to do" list as long as my leg and rarely are all of the tasks accomplished. Who knew at 41 years old, I'd STILL be operating in " helter skelter" mode!  Maybe THAT will be my "to do".....get a regular schedule and sit my ass down for a few hours to enjoy the benefits of having freedom and good health. 

I just can't seem to rest... there's so much to do... SO many women for me to encourage, kids for me to teach and fellow Veterans to help get back on their feet.  Am I really making a difference?  Does it any of this hustling REALLY matter in the long run?  Those two questions haunt me every morning when my feet hit the floor.  Truth is I will NEVER be satisfied, and THIS IS MY PROBLEM.

I'm still the same " I can save the world" little girl I was back when I sat on my granny's porch "shuckin'corn" and "shelling peas". Why the hell can't I let go of the notion that I really can save the world?   I have no clue, but as FRUSTRATING as it is, I'm addicted to helping people.  

How the hell can I cure this condition? I've set boundaries and crossed them.  Written people off and bailed them out of shortly afterwards. Disassociated myself from folks and secretly check on their kids to make sure they're not in need.  I need discipline to walk away from people and STAY AWAY!  

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? This save the world obsession takes my sleep and my social life. Heaven forbid I ever get a dang love life!  I have to do better! My life is passing me by while I am killing myself trying to help people with theirs.

Something has gotta CHANGE and FAST!