LOVE

The word love is used too much.  I just don't get it!  You can't love someone in April and hate them in May and say you "really" loved them.  Maybe on TV, but sure as hell not in real life!    One incident may kill the relationship, but it doesn't turn off your feelings and if it does, there was nothing there to begin with! I wish someone could explain to me how people can get divorced and married again so quickly because it really baffles my mind!

I detest the word divorce because it represents failure to me.  Failing is something I don't believe in and when I decided to end my marriage ended after MANY years the hardest thing to handle for me was feeling like a failure to God, to my commitment, to my husband and to my children.  After 10 years and a FANTASTIC spiritual mentor, a LOT of prayer and HOURS of “couch time”, I still hate that word (divorce), but I no longer have the guilt and shame of feeling like I failed.   It took me nearly 15 years, but that experience taught me that “REAL” love requires the investment and commitment of BOTH people. (You woulda thought I knew that BEFORE the wedding, huh?)

ANYONE can find a mate when their cash is stacked, if they want to buy attention or affection because they sure as hell aren't buying love!!  I have watched so many of my male friends literally cash out to get a woman’s attention and end up alone when they fall on hard times.  Those “beautiful women” bail as soon as it’s time to put in work!  No doubt my female friends have done the same thing, but the difference is that they pay for that man so long they bamboozle themselves into thinking the dude has “grown to love them” and have babies for these rented men and get tied to them FOR LIFE! 

What happened to the days of going through stuff TOGETHER?? Having arguments and being mad, but the thought of leaving NEVER crosses your mind? Loving and sacrificing until it hurts? Remaining COMMITTED to that ONE person literally until you take your last breath?

 I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!! Maybe I was born in the wrong decade because THAT’S what I want!!  I don't want the “HAPPY DAYS” life without the “GOOD TIMES” struggle.  THIS time, when God blesses me to marry again it WILL be until I take my last breath!

SECOND CHANCES

I've eaten my share of crow. I can't count the times I've wanted to go back and do something over or get the forgiveness and another chance from someone I've hurt.  We've all done stupid stuff or screwed up in a relationship, but sometimes it’s best to just accept what is and move the hell on!

A mistake is one thing but a lie is a different story.   I will forgive anyone who does me wrong, but that is just it… I FORGIVE, I don't trust them ever again.   Nowhere in my universe are the words forgive and trust used interchangeably, so being cordial or even exchanging a laugh is NOT the damn yellow brick road to Oz!  There are no magic words that can be said to repair the void broken trust leaves with me.  So now, the word “friend” is something I rarely use!  I know thousands of people, but VERY FEW do I consider friends because to me a friend is someone you can really trust and they also trust you!

Unfortunately for some, my thoughts are the same when it comes to the man in my life.  When I was about twenty or twenty-one, an older woman told me “If a man cheats on you, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.  Cheating for a man has nothing to do with love.  Some men cheat just because they can.  Some cheat because they like the attention.  Some cheat because they are miserable at home, but I don't know any man that cheated only because he didn't love the woman he had at home.  They don’t think that deep into stuff.”   Her words resonated with me from that moment. For that reason, unlike most women, I will forgive a cheater quicker than a liar. The issue for me is not the physical act, but the reason behind it. 

When a man gets caught and tells lie after lie to try to make things right, will let him lie and think he’s gotten away with his creative story. ONLY because I'm pissed that he’s insulted my intelligence and hurt that he didn't care enough about me to be honest or trust me enough to know I could forgive a mistake.  Like every other woman on Earth, I’ve fallen for the crying and “baby I'm sorry” like every other woman, but not because I believe he had changed, but because I didn't want to change.  The fear of starting over with someone else just wasn't worth the headache.      

I learned a LONG time ago, not to speak when I’m really upset or angry.  I have eaten too many of my own words and I REALLY don't like the taste of crow, besides there are no words to make it right after the trust is broken.   I don't believe people change after they mess up.  People change when they WANT to change.  They change when they want something different.  Some people DON'T change.  If I don't SEE the change BEFORE someone tells me they're different, they may as well save their breath, because I won’t believe it!  Crying the Nile does nothing.  The “take me back because I’ve changed speech” does not work.   Buying cars, jewelry, flowers and clothes won't convince me either. 

A changed person is a new person that has accepted their mistakes and vows to not make the same ones again.   I will be cordial to them, but I still would not place my trust in them again.  Trusting that person with my feelings, secrets, fears and heart is a big risk. Maybe the fact that trust is the window to my soul is the reason I'm not willing to take a chance on them again.