SECOND CHANCES

I've eaten my share of crow. I can't count the times I've wanted to go back and do something over or get the forgiveness and another chance from someone I've hurt.  We've all done stupid stuff or screwed up in a relationship, but sometimes it’s best to just accept what is and move the hell on!

A mistake is one thing but a lie is a different story.   I will forgive anyone who does me wrong, but that is just it… I FORGIVE, I don't trust them ever again.   Nowhere in my universe are the words forgive and trust used interchangeably, so being cordial or even exchanging a laugh is NOT the damn yellow brick road to Oz!  There are no magic words that can be said to repair the void broken trust leaves with me.  So now, the word “friend” is something I rarely use!  I know thousands of people, but VERY FEW do I consider friends because to me a friend is someone you can really trust and they also trust you!

Unfortunately for some, my thoughts are the same when it comes to the man in my life.  When I was about twenty or twenty-one, an older woman told me “If a man cheats on you, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.  Cheating for a man has nothing to do with love.  Some men cheat just because they can.  Some cheat because they like the attention.  Some cheat because they are miserable at home, but I don't know any man that cheated only because he didn't love the woman he had at home.  They don’t think that deep into stuff.”   Her words resonated with me from that moment. For that reason, unlike most women, I will forgive a cheater quicker than a liar. The issue for me is not the physical act, but the reason behind it. 

When a man gets caught and tells lie after lie to try to make things right, will let him lie and think he’s gotten away with his creative story. ONLY because I'm pissed that he’s insulted my intelligence and hurt that he didn't care enough about me to be honest or trust me enough to know I could forgive a mistake.  Like every other woman on Earth, I’ve fallen for the crying and “baby I'm sorry” like every other woman, but not because I believe he had changed, but because I didn't want to change.  The fear of starting over with someone else just wasn't worth the headache.      

I learned a LONG time ago, not to speak when I’m really upset or angry.  I have eaten too many of my own words and I REALLY don't like the taste of crow, besides there are no words to make it right after the trust is broken.   I don't believe people change after they mess up.  People change when they WANT to change.  They change when they want something different.  Some people DON'T change.  If I don't SEE the change BEFORE someone tells me they're different, they may as well save their breath, because I won’t believe it!  Crying the Nile does nothing.  The “take me back because I’ve changed speech” does not work.   Buying cars, jewelry, flowers and clothes won't convince me either. 

A changed person is a new person that has accepted their mistakes and vows to not make the same ones again.   I will be cordial to them, but I still would not place my trust in them again.  Trusting that person with my feelings, secrets, fears and heart is a big risk. Maybe the fact that trust is the window to my soul is the reason I'm not willing to take a chance on them again.

DESTINY

Believe what you will, but things happen for a reason!  Meeting a random person is not a coincidence.  Finding a bargain is not luck. Like it or not, we are in control of absolutely nothing!  Everything is already planned!  The tricky thing is that we control how long it takes us to reach our destination! The problem is most times we don't have a clue where the hell we're going!  

If what you "want" disagrees with why you were created, you will have an internal conflict as long as you live!  My friends are probably sick of hearing me say this (but I will say it until my last breath)..."I'm the star in my own movie." Sounds arrogant and a little selfish, but that's the farthest thing from reality.  Truth is we need to know why we're here (on Earth) and believe it or not, our desires are immaterial! It doesn't matter if you dig ditches, drive buses or run a fortune 500 company, EVERYTHING you do touches the life of someone.  

When I came to the realization that my actions actually matter to someone other than me, it was a real gut check!  Not because I intentionally did anything to harm anyone, but because I didn't intentionally do anything to HELP anyone! From that day, (and yes I remember the day-October 12, 2008),  things that were once priority became unimportant! No more concerns about designer labels, passport stamps or even social status... Now don't get it twisted, I STILL like to travel and buy nice things, but they are no longer as important to me as trying to help another overcome an obstacle or hardship.  

All I can say is now... the change in my thoughts, actions and lifestyle has given me the best life!  You gotta selflessly bless another in order to be blessed. Sometimes what seems like sacrifice is actually sowing a good seed and TRUST me... IT COMES BACK TEN FOLD!!   

RESURRECTION

When I hear the word "resurrection" my thoughts normally surround the literal biblical reference, but truth is we all have experienced our own resurrection.  That's because life has a way of slowly killing our spirit.  We never notice we're dying until we've experienced our death and in some cases we've "died" and still don't have a clue!  If we don't have a meltdown beforehand, it will take those one or two REAL friends to give us that painful reality and even then we come up with excuses, point blame and downright deny what the rest of the world sees when when they look at us!

Those little character builder's or lessons learned or whatever you want to call them teach you two things, to be less like yourself and more of who everyone expects you to be.   I'm a smart ass who knows it all and of course I can see it happening to EVERYONE else, but somehow my mirror gave me the reflection of someone who had it all together! Talk about rose-colored glasses!! Hell I had my own pastel mirror and let me tell you ... that damn mirror is hard to walk away from!!  LOL


Every "situation" I found myself in chiseled away a little part of me.  Again, I'm a smart ass, so I THOUGHT once I got over a hurdle or fixed a problem, it was a done deal.  As long as no one could see what was really going on it was all good, right?  WRONG!  I'd been dying a slow death for nearly twenty years but "faking the funk" put me on the fast track to my death.  

I don't think there's one way for anyone to do anything, but what I KNOW is you have to pursue your passion, follow your instincts and do it YOUR WAY!  It may take you longer to reach your goals, but when you do things that FEEL right, you get your life back a little at a time!  I'm no where near where I want to be, but I'll get there. When I make it, there will be no regrets for me to look back on!  

The Vision

I am so fascinated with the constant learning that continues throughout my life.  As we change, we continuously cause those close to us to "re-learn" our behaviors and/or needs.  I personally will never understand how God created such complex creatures within such a short time frame!

Luckily, I am consistently growing in my faith walk and HIS vision for me is becoming clearer each day.  Ironically (and thankfully), HIS vision for my life is NOTHING like mine! His will is forcing me to go outside of my comfort zone and even into areas I thought were off-limits to a Type A woman like me!

The "Three H's" (hurt, hardship and heartbreak) are now behind me, but I am thankful for each of them... I see EVERYTHING in a different light now.  No more fast-paced, chaotic situations.  I enjoy every moment as if my last breath is coming within the hour.  Buying things mean nothing now. Creating happy memories and making others smile is what gets me up every day.

Helping another get through the H's is the reason he made me!  I learned my lessons, received my purpose and now I'm on a SERIOUS mission to fulfill my Life's work! Temporary situations are just that...TEMPORARY!  PRESS ON PEOPLE!

People

It really bothers me that the people you rely on for support are usually the ones who hinder your growth the most.  Over the last few months, I have learned the true value of inner strength.  From losing everything, moving to a place with no support and LITERALLY starting over with nothing, I can honestly say my biggest fan (besides God) is me!

In some cases, I know my friends and family mean well, but they often cross the line of disrespect.  Typically I allow things to "roll off my back", for some reason...THIS TIME, I am not allowing people to step on or over me!  Unfortunately, it has taken me nearly 39 years to realize I deserve the same respect I give others and being older does not mean  people are wiser than I.   While I appreciate knowing the experience of others, I am not easily deterred from whatever I chose to do.  If I do not solicit advice, it's HIGHLY unlikely that I will consider someone else's opinion in my decision making process. This is a really difficult time for me right now because I am embarking on a new life, career and marriage and the people I consider near and dear to my heart will not be able to share in my joy. Perhaps they will learn to accept me as I am, not for who they would like me to be one day.  Until then, I will continue to follow my heart and instincts.

Thankfully I know God's plan cannot be intercepted by man.  I have been TRULY blessed with the understanding that I have a specific purpose in my life and God has planned my path.

Procrastination

Today I learned a valuable lesson.  I am my own worst enemy.  Procrastination is a form of fear.

One of the worst things I have done to myself over the years is procrastinated.  Not just with my personal life, but also with  work tasks, and long term business goals.  Its amazing that I have accomplished as much as I have thus far.  Although I am nowhere near the level I should be at this stage of life.   I have repeatedly told myself, "I'll get to it".  Now that I am looking at nearly two years of  saying those words, I am angry with myself because I have no one to blame but myself. 

I THOUGHT I was motivated to pursue my dreams, but the fear of failure (or success) has somehow masked itself in the form of procrastination.  To think I tell people to follow their dreams and here I am not following my own.  Planning means nothing if I don't "ACT"! So today I am making a conscious decision to execute all of the plans I've made over the last few years.   I know what I have to do AND how to do it, so I just have to get off my ass and JUST DO IT!!

Perspective

We've all had our share of drama.  Lord knows, I have had my share of ups, downs, highs and lows but somehow I think those things were planned when God designed my path in this world.  Somehow through all of the things life has thrown at me I have grown in all the roles I have been blessed with thus far.

One thing I will share is that as I have learned my lessons, my perspective on EVERYTHING has changed as I have evolved.  Since I will never stop growing, I am certain of one thing, I will continue to have different views as life goes on. 

Unfortunately, I have had to remove close friends and even some family members from my immediate circle as a I've continued down my life's journey.  It is NOT a good feeling to learn that those you've trusted and confided in over your entire lifetime are haters and sometimes intentionally try to limit your growth by showering you with negativity and pessimism.   The Good Book says we have to love everyone, not LIKE them....guess what!  That includes family!