General Observations

My brain is on overload with all of the craziness going on in America and within this world. I need to decompress! When will we all understand some simple truths about America and the world we live in today??

Racism will ALWAYS exist on BOTH sides! However, those that carry those feelings in their hearts must be held accountable when they intentionally inflict harm or insite chaos among us. Just as it wasn't socially acceptable to love persons of other races in the past, it's not socially acceptable to hate those unlike you today.

Hatred is based on one of two things. FEAR or ENVY. The hard part is determining which fits in a given situation and CHOOSING to get to the root of the problem.

Respect is EARNED. Age, race, status, employment nor wealth ENTITLES anyone to respect. Speak to people respectfully and they'll typically respond in the same manner. Unless of course they hate you or have a racist heart.

Parenting today's children requires consistency, courage and discipline. Once again, RESPECT is earned. If a child doesn't respect his/her home, it's IMPOSSIBLE for us to expect them to obey rules. The ability to create life doesn't equate to the ability to be a good parent. We parents need to get out of our feelings! Our kids are not ALWAYS innocent, just as they are not always guilty. We really need to put our egos and pride on the back burner and get help or entrust the rearing of our children to someone better qualified to raise them. Our kids are reflections of us and WE COLLECTIVELY SUCK!

Blood relatives are not always family just as family is not always blood relatives. Family you trust will look out for you, carry your secrets and share your pain, BUT they also hold you accountable when necessary. Family will not air your dirty laundry or say things about you that they've not already said or have the courage to say TO you, but RELATVES will carry that bone as quickly as they received it! In many instances water IS thicker than blood!

In THIS country, we have the power and the constitutional right to become whatever we choose. The "system" was designed during an era led predominately by white males. Times have evolved and so SHOULD the "system". However you can't fight a house fire from the street alone and expect it to ever be extinguished. Things only change when those on the street have people in the house fighting with them. Hate it or not, my black, brown, yellow and white female friends, we HAVE to be educated AND involved.

We can't change the hearts of all, but we can save the souls of a few. We will never be a prosperous nation if our sole purpose of self wealth and comfort justifies the continuous disregard for others.

JORDAN DAVIS, TRAYVON MARTIN, ALFRED WRIGHT, RENISHA MCBRIDE, JONATHAN FERRELL…to name a few…..

^{Open Letter to My African American Brothers and Sisters}

As I scrolled through my Facebook timeline, I am amazed at the anger in the posts regarding the verdict in the mistrial in the murder charge of Michael Dunn in Jacksonville, Florida. I have seen ZERO posts on the way eliminate these situations from our daily lives.  The recent unjustified killings of African Americans in Florida, Texas, North Carolina and Michigan have all of us in an uproar, but in my opinion for all the wrong reasons.  YES, I agree in every situation, these young people were wrongfully killed. YES, I agree the justice system has not upheld the promise of justice for each of these victims.  YES, I agree these circumstances have given the impression that the value of a life of a black person is not equal to that of our other American citizens. The truth is these happenings did not start with these well-publicized cases; however, social media and technology has allowed us to be informed of the numerous instances throughout this country.  I have seen every conceivable reaction from retaliatory behavior to boycotting the entire State of Florida. 

   

As an intelligent woman who happens to be Black (and a Florida resident), I am more outraged by the lack of value we as African-Americans place on our children and ourselves.  We have collectively become a culture of “me” as opposed to “we”.  The days of the “village” to raise our kids have long been over and the results are what we are witnessing today.   We have created a culture of kids with less interest in improving the lives of anyone other than themselves. WE have allowed dignity and respect to be replaced by fame and money as the means for measurement of success.  We have not only ignored the collective “dumbing down” of our kids, we have encouraged this nonsense!    Instead of ostracizing people or boycotting corporations who profit from using us, we buy their music, watch their shows, and patronize their businesses.  WE PROMOTE this nonsense…. Celebrating it!

Reality TV shows reflecting our sisters as angry, ruthless, unintelligent con-artists who will do JUST ABOUT anything to get on television.  Music that glamorizes drug dealing, gang-banging, living lavish lifestyles and treating women as sexual objects.  Our culture now frowns upon pursuing an education, treating others with respect, and emanating elegance and class by labeling it as “trying to act white” as opposed to encouraging it to increase our pride as “AFRICAN-AMERICANS”.

What happened to days of brothers looking out for other brothers and sisters encouraging one another to be better women, wives and mothers?  Our kids can barely write a complete sentence, have no understanding of politics or social justice and are killing each other daily, but we do not seem upset about it.  Our internal genocide is not the ONLY BLACK ON BLACK crime we need to address.  OUR accountability is a much bigger problem than any infringement on our rights or unjust killings! 

WHY ARE WE NOW UPSET WHEN SOCIETY TREATS US AS WE TREAT OURSELVES?  IS THIS NOT WHAT WE ARE ENCOURAGING THEM TO DO?

When I think about the many people who lost their lives for our ability to co-exist (with equal rights of others) in this country, I am ashamed of myself.  I may as well have spit on each of their graves one by one.  I will not lie, I am just as guilty of being “self-involved” as many of you, but this hard slap in the face has made me reevaluate myself.  I will not attempt to justify my behavior, but rather hold myself accountable.  For each of us who have become so self-involved and cowardly that we walk passed those boys with their pants hanging off their asses or the girls dressed as if their life’s aspiration is to be  “on a pole”, without having a conversation with them about the consequences of their choices, WE ARE THE ONES TO BLAME, NO ONE ELSE!

The last thing I want is for my 5-month-old grandson to become a victim of this culture WE have created.  I CANNOT sit by and indirectly put another bullet in another young man (or push another young girl to sell their body) because I turned a blind eye.  Making a conscious decision to be a better HUMAN BEING is MY choice.  I encourage each of you to reflect on your own behavior to instill the values and pride of our ancestors, civil rights leaders and fallen soldiers.   If we can put a Black Man in office as the President of the United States of America, surely we can change the plight of the future generations and redirect the path of those in trouble.  The task of restoring the pride and dignity of those who gave their lives in hopes of our babies receiving the “American” right to life, liberty and prosperity is OUR job as partakers of the fruits of the labor of those who paved the way for us.   

COMMITMENT

Commitment is a concept that many of us never fully understand.  To commit yourself completely to something or someone is one of the hardest tasks to complete.  Because its NOT easy.  It's NOT quick and it did I say it sure as hell is NOT EASY??   As a matter of fact, it's hard as hell.  It's slow as cold molasses and usually it hurts just as much as it gratifies.

I have the greatest ability to commit, recommit, over-commit, under-commit  and any other way you can describe the concept.  The problem is I give way to much to ungrateful ass people who either think I am unable to see the forest for the trees or maybe they are just so arrogant that they believe I am gullible as hell.  Whatever the issue, I can't blame them. It's all on me.  SOOOOOO.... people out in cyberspace, how do I fix me?  I change. sounds too simple I know, but that's all there is to it.

If I want different. I have to do different.  If I need something. I go get it.  I work towards it. 

Well cyberspace, I want different.  I am committing to MYSELF this time.  Screw all of the "nice guys',  the "good" men, the "friends in trouble" and  the "family members in a struggle".  Sounds pretty selfish, but for once in my life, I AM GOING TO BE SELFISH (if only for a little while).

Shutting down phone and some social media networking programs and focusing on introspective healing and loving me!  Maybe then I will choose better friends, better mates and make better decisions.  

THE HUSTLE, THE HEART, & THE HURT

Everyday I get up with a "to do" list as long as my leg and rarely are all of the tasks accomplished. Who knew at 41 years old, I'd STILL be operating in " helter skelter" mode!  Maybe THAT will be my "to do".....get a regular schedule and sit my ass down for a few hours to enjoy the benefits of having freedom and good health. 

I just can't seem to rest... there's so much to do... SO many women for me to encourage, kids for me to teach and fellow Veterans to help get back on their feet.  Am I really making a difference?  Does it any of this hustling REALLY matter in the long run?  Those two questions haunt me every morning when my feet hit the floor.  Truth is I will NEVER be satisfied, and THIS IS MY PROBLEM.

I'm still the same " I can save the world" little girl I was back when I sat on my granny's porch "shuckin'corn" and "shelling peas". Why the hell can't I let go of the notion that I really can save the world?   I have no clue, but as FRUSTRATING as it is, I'm addicted to helping people.  

How the hell can I cure this condition? I've set boundaries and crossed them.  Written people off and bailed them out of shortly afterwards. Disassociated myself from folks and secretly check on their kids to make sure they're not in need.  I need discipline to walk away from people and STAY AWAY!  

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? This save the world obsession takes my sleep and my social life. Heaven forbid I ever get a dang love life!  I have to do better! My life is passing me by while I am killing myself trying to help people with theirs.

Something has gotta CHANGE and FAST!  

MY LIFE COMMANDMENTS

Although I wrote this in 2011, I STILL find it helpful to me NOW!!  Especially since I seem to experience new adventures and/or struggles DAILY!  It is my hope that ONE day, I won't need to read these words to be reminders, but that I master the struggle against my own demons, fears and pain!

1. Always tell the ones you love that you love them…even if they get tired of hearing it! (If you don’t, you WILL regret it!).
2. Never allow your emotions cause you to lose focus.  Saying or doing something to hurt another may end up hurting yourself more than anyone else.
3. People MUST be accepted “AS IS”.
4. Be yourself.  If someone loves you, they WILL do #3.
5. If you put the needs of all before the needs of self, your needs (& wants) will be met.
6. Don’t live with regrets.  If (or when) you make a mistake, take the wisdom from that lesson and use it as knowledge to make better decisions the next time.
7. Treat all people with kindness and respect. The ones you need are usually the ones who expect nothing from you.
8. If you get a chance to right a wrong, do so.  If not, forgive yourself. If wrong was done to you, forgive the wrongdoer and leave the baggage from the pain in the past.
9. Be thankful for the time you are given and use it wisely.  Progressive thoughts and a positive, productive attitude will carry you through the times you find yourself stagnate.
10. Don’t give up on anything you believe in, dream of or desire to accomplish. Time is all you have in life, so until God says your time is up, IT’S NOT TOO LATE (for anything)!!
11. You can (and will) overcome anything and everything that stands in the way of your success or happiness IF you choose to win over those obstacles (situations, circumstances and/or people). 
12. Your greatest pleasure will be found in the joy of helping another, but you MUST be cognizant of those around you.  Sometimes your “help” MAY actually be hurting.  Be honest.  When you recognize when you are enabling someone, STOP.
13. TRUE Friends are priceless.  They will correct you, upset you and even hurt you, but they are always genuine.  They are loyal and always looking out for your best interest--even when you are in disagreement.
14. Your children are modified versions of yourself.  Be sure to raise them as “Improvements To” rather than “Carbon Copies Of” you.
15. To love someone (partner or spouse) requires you to look within to determine if you are ready, willing and WORTHY of their love in return.  Ask yourself…. Can I sacrifice my wants for their needs????  Be TRUTHFUL.  It’s the ONLY way to ensure your life is a dream realized rather than a lifetime nightmare.

LOVE

The word love is used too much.  I just don't get it!  You can't love someone in April and hate them in May and say you "really" loved them.  Maybe on TV, but sure as hell not in real life!    One incident may kill the relationship, but it doesn't turn off your feelings and if it does, there was nothing there to begin with! I wish someone could explain to me how people can get divorced and married again so quickly because it really baffles my mind!

I detest the word divorce because it represents failure to me.  Failing is something I don't believe in and when I decided to end my marriage ended after MANY years the hardest thing to handle for me was feeling like a failure to God, to my commitment, to my husband and to my children.  After 10 years and a FANTASTIC spiritual mentor, a LOT of prayer and HOURS of “couch time”, I still hate that word (divorce), but I no longer have the guilt and shame of feeling like I failed.   It took me nearly 15 years, but that experience taught me that “REAL” love requires the investment and commitment of BOTH people. (You woulda thought I knew that BEFORE the wedding, huh?)

ANYONE can find a mate when their cash is stacked, if they want to buy attention or affection because they sure as hell aren't buying love!!  I have watched so many of my male friends literally cash out to get a woman’s attention and end up alone when they fall on hard times.  Those “beautiful women” bail as soon as it’s time to put in work!  No doubt my female friends have done the same thing, but the difference is that they pay for that man so long they bamboozle themselves into thinking the dude has “grown to love them” and have babies for these rented men and get tied to them FOR LIFE! 

What happened to the days of going through stuff TOGETHER?? Having arguments and being mad, but the thought of leaving NEVER crosses your mind? Loving and sacrificing until it hurts? Remaining COMMITTED to that ONE person literally until you take your last breath?

 I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!! Maybe I was born in the wrong decade because THAT’S what I want!!  I don't want the “HAPPY DAYS” life without the “GOOD TIMES” struggle.  THIS time, when God blesses me to marry again it WILL be until I take my last breath!

SECOND CHANCES

I've eaten my share of crow. I can't count the times I've wanted to go back and do something over or get the forgiveness and another chance from someone I've hurt.  We've all done stupid stuff or screwed up in a relationship, but sometimes it’s best to just accept what is and move the hell on!

A mistake is one thing but a lie is a different story.   I will forgive anyone who does me wrong, but that is just it… I FORGIVE, I don't trust them ever again.   Nowhere in my universe are the words forgive and trust used interchangeably, so being cordial or even exchanging a laugh is NOT the damn yellow brick road to Oz!  There are no magic words that can be said to repair the void broken trust leaves with me.  So now, the word “friend” is something I rarely use!  I know thousands of people, but VERY FEW do I consider friends because to me a friend is someone you can really trust and they also trust you!

Unfortunately for some, my thoughts are the same when it comes to the man in my life.  When I was about twenty or twenty-one, an older woman told me “If a man cheats on you, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.  Cheating for a man has nothing to do with love.  Some men cheat just because they can.  Some cheat because they like the attention.  Some cheat because they are miserable at home, but I don't know any man that cheated only because he didn't love the woman he had at home.  They don’t think that deep into stuff.”   Her words resonated with me from that moment. For that reason, unlike most women, I will forgive a cheater quicker than a liar. The issue for me is not the physical act, but the reason behind it. 

When a man gets caught and tells lie after lie to try to make things right, will let him lie and think he’s gotten away with his creative story. ONLY because I'm pissed that he’s insulted my intelligence and hurt that he didn't care enough about me to be honest or trust me enough to know I could forgive a mistake.  Like every other woman on Earth, I’ve fallen for the crying and “baby I'm sorry” like every other woman, but not because I believe he had changed, but because I didn't want to change.  The fear of starting over with someone else just wasn't worth the headache.      

I learned a LONG time ago, not to speak when I’m really upset or angry.  I have eaten too many of my own words and I REALLY don't like the taste of crow, besides there are no words to make it right after the trust is broken.   I don't believe people change after they mess up.  People change when they WANT to change.  They change when they want something different.  Some people DON'T change.  If I don't SEE the change BEFORE someone tells me they're different, they may as well save their breath, because I won’t believe it!  Crying the Nile does nothing.  The “take me back because I’ve changed speech” does not work.   Buying cars, jewelry, flowers and clothes won't convince me either. 

A changed person is a new person that has accepted their mistakes and vows to not make the same ones again.   I will be cordial to them, but I still would not place my trust in them again.  Trusting that person with my feelings, secrets, fears and heart is a big risk. Maybe the fact that trust is the window to my soul is the reason I'm not willing to take a chance on them again.